Hahaz... So long never write in my blog le... Now so free, so just decided to write... Haiz, ever since december, everything like not going my way..... Be it love life, band or even those who WERE the closest to me.... How i wish i could turn back time and not repeat ALL the mistakes that i made... But I know that just lamenting would not help, and there is no way to travel back in time... The only thing that i can do now is just to accept the fact and do my very best to make it better... Only I myself can make my own route out...
I have lost the closeness between most of my sons and daughters.... I know that i have only myself to blame for neglecting all of them during my o'level period.... Guess that no time was just all bull shit and excuses.... Because of my foolishness and excuses, i caused a big fat trouble in band and jeopardised the relationship that i HAD with all of them that. I had put in so much effort just to create, but i used my own bare hands to destroy it.... Guess i don't deserve the respect that i gained from them before... I can't blame them, but just to blame myself... Guess that's how life goes....
I miss the fun that i had with my first 3 god-sons.... When after band we would just have so much fun together... Stay in Ping Yi till the teachers would chase us out... Going for dinner, have fun and talk.... Then purposely take bus 38 home with Eugene though the journey is very long.... Hahaz... Not forgetting the outings and the late night movies with eugene and jun xiang, the way joseph cheers me up with his innocence and so much more experiences.... Then having the crazy times with all my daughters and just being loud and laugh over the simplest things in life.... Not forgetting Jodie.... I was so happy when she was from the same primary school as me.... And that very day when she asked me to be her god-jie... I was so honoured.... But now, haiz... I really donnoe what is going wrong between two of us.... Things are just not going right.... Nothing is... Because of my negligence, i have made Mr Poh's life more difficult then ever... Sorry Mr Poh, i never expected this to happen cause i believed that all of them knew what was best for them.... But i guess that i was too naive to think that way... I am really lost now, at my wits end as i don't know any method to make things better... I really really want the situation to be like before, year 2004....
To all my sons and daughters: I am very sorry if i did not do my part to guide all of you.... Sorry that i was the one who made things worse for you all... Sorry that my foolishness had made you guys go into another path that was not the very best for you all.... Sorry if i had ever been to strict on you guys... Sorry that i care for you all too much.. Just sorry that i have ruined all of your wonderful lives.... My exixtence was useless..... I am truly sorry..... All i ever wanted was just to care, love and add an extra joy to all of your lives.... Guess i failed in that area.... Sorry...
To all janice, maureen and jodie: I am sorry for being such a disappointment to you girls... I did not live up to your expeectations.... I have failed to be a good mei or jie.... Very sorry... Sorry that i did not do my best to spend more time with you all to play my part... Sorry that i ignored you girls at times..... Just really sorry... I just was too idiotic to neglect you three... I am the most useless mei or jie that could ever exist on earth.... Sincere apologies...
To all the trumpeters: Sorry if i was not the best section leader you girls could ever have... Sorry that i always frequently scold you all.... Sorry that i am not good with my technique, be it my playing skills, reading of notes, teaching you all, reading rhythm and more... I just wanted you all to be the best section, the best players with the best attitude..... Sorry if i push you all too hard...
To all the other band members: I am sorry if i was never a good senior to you all.. Sorry that i have failed to play my part as a good senior.... My so called 'help' was rather making things worse... Sorry that i was the destroyer, rather than helper... Sorry for being so loud and irritating.... Just want you all to put in the very best you can in whichever matters you are involved in... Don't be like a failure like me.... Sorry...
To Mr Poh: I am sorry that i have created an extra trouble for you to go and worry about and make life more difficult for you.... Sorry for that extra burden... I was too dumb to see it coming and did not do anything to prevent this from happening.... Sorry for being such a disappoinment...I really want to say sorry from the bottom of my heart..... Sorry Mr Poh....
To all the aluimni members: Sorry that i only know how to ask you guys for money every month.... I know that it is very irritating.... Sorry that i am such a lousy player... Its just i cannot make it... Sorry for being bossy and bitchy when it comes to meetings or what.... Truly sorry....
I am freaking hurt but its all what i deserve... SORRY to all the band members.... If i am making things worse, just tell me.... Don't wanna be like the jinx in the band.... Please continue to work hard and listen to Mr Poh.... Don't be stubborn like me anymore, cause things would just get worse and the only thing that you can do is just to regret....
Shall end here today.... Life is just not what you want it to be, but what you want to achieve.... Nothing is impossible and it's all in the mind....
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